Thorin Would Rather Snog an Elf
by Silverneko9lives0
Summary: For Hobbit Kink Meme: Roped into a game of Truth or Dare, Thorin decides he'd rather be humiliated than admit his feelings for a member of his company. Thorin/Elf, Thorin/? (Despite the characters listed, it's not incest)


"Okay, Kili," Bombur boomed, smirking. "Truth or dare."

Kili scratched his chin. "Dare."

Bombur smirked. "Streak through the library."

Thorin's mouth, if possible, grew thinner as Kili stood and made a show of stripping. Fili screamed and averted his eyes. Thorin did the same. Closed his eyes. Not scream. It didn't have to do with being majestic or kingly. Thorin just didn't scream.

Of course, he and Fili were the only ones appalled. The others were having too much fun catcalling.  
"Be back in a bit."

"Is he gone?" Fili asked, sounding all together horrified.

"He's gone," Bofur laughed. "Got to hand it to him, though. You're brother really does have a fine arse," he wriggled his eyebrows and tugged his beard, grinning lewdly, "A very fine arse."

Fili made gagging noises.

Thorin really did gag.

The shrieks were enough indication that the dare was complete. Thorin really didn't need to see Kili skipping after horrified She-Elves.

No.

He really didn't.

Kili returned, flushed, grinning like a goof, and, due to many disappointed groans, dressed again.

"My turn," Kili said, spinning the empty wine bottle.

The bottle landed on Thorin.

Why, oh why, did he agree to play?

Oh right…they questioned his ability to relate to his people and he joined just to prove them wrong.

Well that worked out swimmingly.

"Okay, Uncle. Truth or dare?"

Thorin still glared at the bottle, as though it was the bottle's fault entirely. Who knows? Maybe it was.

Or perhaps it was Aulë's twisted sense of humor.

_I refuse to lose any dignity a dare will bring_, Thorin decided.

"Truth."

Kili and the others grinned. "Out of the entire company, including Bilbo and Gandalf but excluding me and Fili, who would you say you love most? And you can't say yourself."

Thorin didn't point that excluding himself and his brother meant not the entire company. Now he did have an answer, but let's be honest.

Thorin would rather do something humiliating like a dare.

"Dare," he snarled.

"Cheat!" Nori snapped.

"Fine. No fun." Kili stretched. "Go snog an Elf."

Thorin blanched. Snog an Elf, huh? Of all the things Kili could have chosen, that was, admittedly, a good one.

And though unfortunate, it could have been worse. He could have been dared to find Azog and snog him. And that wouldn't go well in any direction it could take.

Even if it led to Azog secretly wanting to shag him (shudder the thought).

Thorin stood. "Fili, Kili, you're my witnesses. Let's find an Elf."

One would think, being Rivendell, it wouldn't be hard to find an Elf, but they seemed to have disappeared. Thorin wondered if Kili scared them all off when he showed them his bits.

Probably.

"There's one," Fili said, seizing Thorin's arm and pointing at a…female? He guessed it was a female, though he could not really tell. Elves were too pretty for their own good. Even if she (he?) was dressed in breeches and a tunic. The Elf was blonde and blue-eyed, unlike most of the brunettes residing in Rivendell.

Thorin sighed. He could do this. It was better than saying anything to the company about his feelings for one of their number.

Thorin approached the Elf and seized her (his?) wrist.

"Can I help you?"

"You can kneel," Thorin said.

The confused Elf obeyed. When she (he?) was on both knees, Thorin crashed his lips to hers (his?). The Elf gasped and tried to pull away.

_Oh c'mon! Just wait it out. The less you struggle the sooner we'll get it over_. Thorin squeezed the Elf's neck, pinning her (him?) to his mouth.

He did not expect the Elf to relax and moan into his mouth.

I may be a king, but there things that are just way above my pay grade…

"Okay, Uncle, that's good enough," Kili said. Thorin shoved the Elf away. "Aw, no need to be so cruel! What if you want to have a good shag later?"

"Kili!"

"Okay, okay, shutting up." Thorin marched away from the stunned (and slightly hurt) Elf.  
Thorin took his place in the circle, arms crossed and brooding more than usual. (He didn't think he brooded enough, despite everyone's objections).

His gaze shifted to Bilbo. He may have fared better for the dare if he had been dared to kiss him instead.

Copper hair instead of blonde…Green eyes instead of blue…Softer, rounder features, compared to the sharp edges of an Elf's face…

Thorin bit his kiss bruised lip.

He spun the bottle. It landed on Bilbo, who turned an interesting shade of red.

"Burglar," he said. Because, damn it, he could not say that name—would not let him say that name.

"Truth or dare?"

_Dare. Please say dare._

"Truth."

Thorin hid his disappointment well. "Have you ever slept with another of the male sex?"

The deep red blush and horrified sputtering was well worth it.


End file.
